RM's Live - 6/10

my commentary in green

only recapping the Korean points, since yall understand his ENG :)

FOR MY RECORDS: start time 2:54pm ET; end time 3:43pm -_-”

sry i was puffy this morning, now i look like me. im so awk rn & lowkey it still feels like i'll have to go back. for the past 3wks, i skipped lunch~ but today i ate [JK's] bibim noodles w/ my parents

12/11, the night before enlisting I went to the temple and did like 108 bows (usually stand, kneel, touch your head to the ground, repeat …x108) … screamed in my car and then enlisted in a frenzied state the next day, it was raining so hard we wore ponchos

I held my own during training so I got a lot of recs for asst training cuz I’m older, known for being a leader, etc. so it was suggested a lot but the Nonsan military training center is like a very intense center… and in watching my friends (other asst trainers) having such a difficult time - I thought it was going to be really really taxing so I decided against it - and sorta finagled my way to Hwacheon

...you know how there’s like.. Karma~ so.. the main thumbnail for RPWP was taken in Hwacheon :laughs in defeated: Hwacheon has this place called Biseogeum Park - I went to hang there - truuuuly not to work but just to hang there one day and it was my first time there. I didn’t really know much about Hwacheon other than the Sancheoneo Festival around May 2023 and in Jan 2024 I was moved to Hwacheon for my service.. It’s funny/eerie how these things tie together~

I have a friend who was also serious about music in my early years, named Changmo

장모 (Jangmo) = mother in law (husband’s way to refer to wife’s mom) sounds like Changmo which is why weverse kept picking up mother-in-law

!! NO MOTHER in LAWS WERE INVOLVED LMAO !!

I met up with Changmo like a month before enlistment after not having seen him for like ~6 YEARS. At this point he had been enlisted (ahead of RM) for about 2 months. As we were talking about how his (Changmo’s) enlistment experience was going, Changmo told me ‘I’m assigned to Hwacheon.. so far.. Just be sure not to get assigned here’ and I was like ‘what are the chances.. I’m assigned to Nonsan” and then I was assigned to Hwacheon. The facility Changmo was at - I was there for a year~ And there’s this guestbook/log that Changmo wrote in - I turned to that log, here and there, throughout the whole year and then wrote my logs next to his. Anyway this is how I somehow started this deep connection with Hwacheon lol

So I had my interview and was put in the military band. I didn’t know anything so I asked Changmo a lot of questions~ We were situated in these OLD barracks (kinda like trailers at this particular location) and there were like 20some people fitted into these spaces when I first got there~ I had 7 other ppl in my ‘class’ and 2 of them were discharged 4/9, 4 on 5/19, and 1 on 6/3 and i was the last one discharged - eighth out of eight to leave

YOU WILL HEAR THIS A LOT FROM BTS/KOREANS
아무튼 (amuteun)/ 암튼 (amteun) = well anyway~
Used just like we use ‘anyway’ to switch between topics, shrug off random things we were talking about, etc~

Anyway, I went there… and at first there’s like a lot of grassy fields~ it was kinda nice- BUT then they dropped me off at what looks like a storage/shed type place and I was like ooh they’re showing us sorta the worst places first I suppose.. AND then they told us ‘this is your living quarters’ …. It was shocking. I was surprised places like this even exist - I’d only really seen places like this in og dramas~ It was not easy and tbh facilities like this don’t really exist anymore and the facilities are actually rumored to be quite nice. And that def may be true in some places but… anyway - we were put in like 2-3 units like this. And I learned the sax there…

So we’re not exactly the type of musicians that always work with sheet music but I had to read a lot of sheet music there .. writing down the names of the notes as I re-familiarized myself w/ reading the music. The alto sax was too small so I changed to a tenor sax

NO SEX PHONES WERE INVOLVED! LMAO i’m so sorry that weverse is the way that it is

And I bought a tenor sax and poured a lot of time into learning with this, now my, sax [and have grown endeared to it by now]

The reason I played the conan theme song was mainly to be funny/silly - to bring some levity in this crazy/harsh world… without laughs. I didn’t want my discharge to feel really heavy/somber. I know I have kinda like two sides - the version of me that a lot of people know, the one that speaks at the UN, dependable, reliable etc.. but at the same time I always have this other side that just wants to make people laugh. If you laughed, that’s good- why Conan theme song? Tbh it’s cuz I didn’t practice that many songs that you might actually recognize - so I figured this was my best shot? Last September I learned it.. Memorized it and then

The AC .. ugh when i turn it on it’s too cold when i turn it off it’s too hot

If I made you laugh, I’m glad. This was supposed to be a happy/celebratory moment :)

Idk if you’re tracking because I really just wanted to talk about the military but I know this might be a little confusing. I’ll thank the efforts of translators in advance - maybe you can rewatch for translations?

My assignment.. unlike taehyung’s - was not like where you learn to shoot and do stuff like that. I did get to do it some in the beginning and I really wanted to shoot. Taehyung didn’t pass the the precision shooting the first time so he worked REALLY hard and he’s probably so good at it now. I really wanted to shoot but it really hurts your cheek because of the backlash/whiplash of the gun and it makes your cheek… swollen. So I stopped wanting to do it cuz my cheeks hurt too much

AWJDLF:GJLKDFJGLDKJFG

I learned the sax and had a lot of fun doing that. EHH idk how much I can say~ well.. w/ my group and you may have seen it - you might’ve wondered, why did you take so many 인생네컷 (insaeng naecut)? I understand.. I get it like we took a lot

*INSAENG NAECUT, life in 4-cuts, is a brand of photobooth (there are a lot in KR) but this one is well known~ almost becoming an eponym for this kind of 4-panel film strip photobooth situation

Tbh it’s cuz I really couldn’t do much to communicate with yall. We weren’t able to do lives.. So I could post here and there on weverse, recommend some songs (through IG), and this was just a way to show yall I’m alive and doing well :) We’d always go to take these pics when a new recruit came or something like that. And there are actually only 2 such photobooths in Hwacheon and actually one of them is broken rn LMAO but we did this mainly cuz there’s not all that much to do

One of the ways that affirm, for me, that I carried out my service time well here - was that on the last day (so last night) I got lots of letters. Out of like 14 people, 11-12 of them wrote me heartfelt letters and we all stayed up til like 2am chatting~

I’m sure they were all like surprised/fascinated in some extent by my presence there too you know? Like you - what are YOU doing here with us type of thing. There was actually a legit fan, of like ten years from Ilsan, he does experimental music - Hyunoo. I learned/practice English all the time but yea, in the military, there’s no use for it - and without practice you start to lose it~ but there were a few friends that were from great schools all over the world that spoke English. So I tried to converse w/ them in English now and again so I wouldn’t lose it and a friend who was from a Japanese college so I tried to speak Japanese w/ him too~

FRIENDS THIS IS WHY I TRANSLATE IN KOREAN. I HAVE NO WHERE TO USE IT in my daily life although I text&speak it, exclusively, with my parents. But the depth/range of conversation chatting/keeping up with family is often not thattttt wide on a regular basis. So I try to keep it fresh/ keep up with new Korean slang (which is AS HARD as it is to do with ENG cuz wtf is going on lol)

During my first two ranks~ I read a lot.. But then starting starting with the 3rd rank, ..I couldn’t really read. So at 300 days left.. 299 days left.. I started keeping a journal.

shows journal and points to the journal cover art what a precious bb koala i love him so much ajkdlfjg;aldjfglkajdfg;lkajfg

(this is straight from chatgpt cuz i’m unfamiliar w/ rankings and how/when they’re achieved)

I didn’t do this ..I regret.. I don’t regret. But in the heat yesterday I ran so much… cuz okay for the past like month or so I’ve been skipping lunch. I got to like 83kg in August? Sept? Like why do I keep gaining weight? There’s this lil convenience store and all of them eat snacks ALL the time. And since our living quarters were so small/tight - ALL of the smells of food circulate. Ramen over here, cookies over there, etc. and if i’m like WHY are you guys eating all the time. .. they’d be like .. do you want a bite?? And if I’m like… ok sure 1 bite…. Anyway one bite at a time I got to 83kg. This is the first time I’ve been over 80kg. I weighed 64kg when I debuted… and I remain the same height so =_=” I was like 68kg when life was miserable around the time I enlisted~ now i’m like ~73kg.

But today’s photos make me look like ..when I was 83kg =_= I told the guys~ like ok it’s 2am let’s sleep now I gotta be up at like 6.. So i went to bed but couldn’t fall asleep… and then outta nowhere.. Like AFTER we wrapped up the convos and it was all good.. But then outta nowhere.. I was looking at lil notes I wrote “..286 days ..will this ever end?” seeing those.. I just burst into tears and couldn’t stop crying.. By myself.. While everyone else was asleep- but it was the first time in a while I had a good cry. And then someone woke me up at 645am… and i woke up like O_O and looked in the mirror and was like this is a disaster.. I washed my face and tried to get myself together. Taehyung .. forget the fact that he’s LITERALLY named the best looking person in the world - that aside, he still got up at at 5am and ran with weights on. I… slept 4 hours and looked a mess. I’m sorry for appearing this way for the public photos that were taken. But if it made you laugh then that’s a good thing too

T__________T don’t get me started on Korean standards of beauty for men and women. They need HEALING over there. Please JESUS. WDYM. jadfkjgl;afdjjkdflgjkladjfg;lakjdg;lkjadfg

I NEVER needed to go to a derm before but now I go cuz the work had me breaking out and I got so dark with all the time spent outside. Now I’m back though so I’ll be better about it ~ now that I’m out! Let’s toast! drinks whiskey I just wanted to yap comfortably tonight

Tbh.. I’m like nervous/shaking. ..anxious. .. I was nervous about turning on the live and being in front of cams. 200 cameras, puffy face, swollen eyes… UGH I didn’t want to go out like that but ..you know I had to show up of course.

At the training center, they told me to take care of Taehyung because he’s so unique and different. You, because you’re quite sensitive to details - will get things asap - so be sure to look out for Taehyung. Lots of the senior leaders kept telling me this for our time~ but once we we were there… after the first rank.. I think he was doing a lot better than me in all ways. I’d hear from him as we crossed paths here and there - and given a much harsher training facility, I think he fared better than me by a lot. I really admired and aspired to how he conducted his time.. I thought I’d fare the best. Adjust quickly.. Etc. but I was rocked by military life.

Why? Obviously it’s hard for everyone to endure the service but for me - the friends were great, the facility was rough.. But the element that was hardest for me was sleep. It was the first time I struggled THIS much cuz of sleep. I got insomnia .. and 20 of us sleep together - snore, grind their teeth, toss and turn ~ at my lowest - there was a point I didn’t sleep a wink in the span of like 70 some hours. I figured if I kept going at this pace I thought I might actually die - so .. cuz I was exhausted but couldn’t sleep. So I couldn’t keep going so I sought the help of sleeping pills but because the side effects are quite lasting.. I was like a zombie and couldn’t focus properly. Went to a neuropsychiatrist for the first time during my breaks and found a pill that worked well for me .. and actually i am still not off that pill entirely. It’s been about a year and 2 months since i started that medication and I do feel I’ve gotten a lot better. I still get a little anxious about going to sleep cuz lying awake for 3-4 hours trying to sleep is hell

There were times during my breaks that I’d just drink till I passed out so that I could sleep

But the hospital staff told me it’s likely because of your enlistment - once you’re out things should start shifting back to normal. So I’m trying to recalibrate my daily routine again and wean myself off the meds. Half my journal is about not being able to sleep actually.

But since I was suffering - my friends and seniors at the base were very kind and accommodating knowing I wasn’t doing well.

As it approached April/May~ as I kept thinking about the end of my time, I think my mental state was feeling more relieved so things are improving.

I had a junior that got bitten by a snake and had to be taken to emergency care =_= another one that wanted to try to eat a cactus.. Ate it .. and then got the cactus needle stuck in his throat because it was so small… there were lots of shenanigans

I’m glad to be out. There’s a reason for everything so I feel like I went through everything for a reason. I’m trying to learn guitar and drums… but it’s difficult. I deeeeply respect people who play instruments. But I did learn the one instrument: sax

I did try to do some creative work - but I did nothing other than the journal for a year and a half. I only had darker/pessimistic thoughts and nothing else really came out .. so I stopped doing creative work. This is the longest hiatus, since I first started writing lyrics at 14, that I’ve taken from doing creative work actively. But as such, I feel like I’ll be recharged as much as I’ve rested for future albums… these are my feels/thoughts

Mm.. yea w/ lives.. If JK is known for singing (noraebang-ing), I yap. It’s boring isn’t it? But I’m just kinda rattling off as if I’m vlogging - I just wanted to let it out. You know how I decorated my house very intentionally? But being unable to sleep - even while I was out on the breaks, my house became very uncomfortable. This space now harbors lots of bad memories so I’m going to change up the interior quite a bit… change the furniture.. Change the scene pretty dramatically.

My body is a little bigger (regardless of weight) so my old clothes don’t fit me correctly anymore either, so I’m thinking of refreshing 90% my wardrobe as well other than a few cherished pieces and my Bottega pieces, giving it to friends, etc. I’ve also reorganized all my books .. want to start over anew~ brand new space.

RPWP album .. there was so much going on at that time. RPWP.. my TEAM RM and I worked so hard on it.. But there were a few things that kept bugging me. First like.. I didn’t really do full/complete makeup. I really regretted buzzing my hair so early. My friends were like why did you do it so early?? I just thought it was so hot. But RPWP is about honesty and transparency so I figured (at the time) why not just buzz my hair asap instead of doing makeup and setting everything so perfect…
I was having a hard time back then though too.. Actually when am I not having a hard time right? When i was in the military - I couldn’t shake this thought like ‘WHY ARE YOU SO WEAK? You’ve dealt with worse.. WHY ARE YOU SO EASILY SHAKEN/ROCKED by military life?? You’re normally someone that goes w/ the flow.” ~ All this but this is not as easy when you’re enlisted LOL

As I buzzed my hair too early, I kept thinking about how I wanted to be cool and appear kinda cool when I got out. I guess the grass is always greener cuz making RPWP i wanted it to be really raw.. But then in hindsight I kinda missed how ‘curated’ Indigo/Idol were~

RPWP is an album that is not for everyone~ not really accessible.. Not everyone’s tastes~ I wanted to bare myself in RPWP realizing that it might be unpalatable to many~ but what I wanted to accomplish was .. I wanted to go back to this mindset of when I first started music (which was through hip hop - honesty, talking about real things); I felt if I didn’t get this out - it would potentially get in the way of BTS joint efforts. I can’t really just let things go lightly~ If there are things that bother me, I lean into them HARD to experience any kind of catharsis/breakthrough - in RPWP I talk about my relationships with friends, betrayal, love, the burdens I’ve carried.. my attitude towards life.. Anyway I packed it in and RPWP is a very meaningful album to me

Come Back to Me & Around the World in a day - I deeply poured into

Idk where I’m headed next but what is needed in the world ..and what I need.. I’m going to aspire to create that kind of music. I’m not interested in shitting out songs for the sake of showing off what music I’m capable of shitting out. But whether it starts out as nothing/cursing.. If it’s a ubiquitous/relatable thing, that through my personal filter, I could make beautiful - I’m going to try to do that. So I’d like to ask for you to trust me and I guess bare with me..

Anyway~ I’m done and I missed you all. Yet to Come ..was 3 years ago. I’m really anxious about getting back on stage. I did practice dancing and stuff during my breaks but kept worrying about whether I could hold my own on stage again. Will people even wanna see me/us? But even before that.. Like WILL I even be able to get back on stage? I asked my hyungs/sunbaes~

They warned/advised me it may be hard to maintain your sense of self. Cuz in the military you’re CONSTANTLY told to lay down your ego/leave behind who you were, you’re on a regimented schedule with fixed meals, meal times, activities, etc. - you may start to lose yourself.

But this is hard to do .. I mean I’m BTS.. I’m in my 30s. It’s hard to “leave behind” who I am but there were def times I lost myself. Now I’m rambling again sry “mm no jam” lost my train of thought EHHEYYY ANYWAY~
Doing creative work and getting back on stage. .. is a really vulnerable thing right? Like I’m committing words to melodies and packing meaning into things and offering it to the world - and that is a scary/vulnerable practice… that feels FULLY scary again (cuz he’s been out of practice for so long atp)

My juniors/seniors there did try to help me sorta keep who I was - but tbh I’m kinda .. in this shriveled state right now lol hobi is touring solo and so is jin hyung. ..and I know I have a lot of songs under my belt too… and I do want to do something with that but I’m not sure what.

Anyway~ it was hard but I’ve endured and as ever I stand before you all… in fact I’ve heard from a bunch of people that I look better than before… and to that I have said “tF you talking about?” but I will find my way and show my best self to you all. I was contacted/congratulated for being silly w/ the sax and I do feel very loved and supported by my friends. I’ve also gotten sooo much closer with my father and his service was much harder than my time so I reflected a lot on that too.

Tomorrow, Jimin and JK are coming back. I had 1:1s with both of them. Jimin at his house. JK for the first time EVER with him just 1:1 cuz I really never drank~ maybe a beer here or there. But in 23 after Jin left for the military, I started drinking more. When JK used to drink before, I didn’t really drink. But having met him when he was 15.. And now being able to throw back a drink with him in our adulthood was so nice. Good conversation.. Same with Jimin. All of them are so cool and I have so much to learn from them and am so indebted to them. Our team is so special and I believe what makes us unique is not done. Look at taehyung’s body.. It is no joke… when we’re all back - we’re always talking about how we should come back. Please look forward to our next moves - as much as you’ve waited, please trust that we’ll BRING it.

Q&A in english~