RM Live - 10/5 (Part 2)

즐추 (Jeul Chu), 즐추2

See part 1 here.

My commentary in green.

sometimes i even think - is this why some people reach for marriage?
like a forever family? forever friend?
kinda like.. a forever companion to do things with?
like maybe they're looking for a lifelong friend or something

i have a lot of friends who are married.. sometimes is think like perhaps this is why they chose marriage
my parents, at my age.. like i was already 3 when my parents were my age
but i still feel like a KID
i wonder like how did my mom and dad...get married and have a CHILD at that age?
it's Chuseok soon so i'm going to go see my parents tomorrow
i mean i guess back then there was a lot more social pressure too..
but i think it's so crazy .. like
like raising a kid and starting a family...
now that i'm in my 30s
i think it's such a huge undertaking..

i think.. beyond perhaps wanting to be married someday.. like ..
like back then.. my mom and dad.. so actually my mom and dad were elementary school classmates..
they dated for like 9 years almost before they got married

and like our *bon ga and *weh ga ..oh i guess ppl don't really use these terms anymore.. my mom's house and dad's house (when his parents were kids!) are like 5 minutes apart by car

*본가 (bon ga)= one’s parental home, usually referring to father’s side of the family
**외가 (weh ga)= one’s maternal home, usually referring to mother’s side of the family
but most importantly - it's true - people don't really use terms like this anymore because it reflects a little bit of an outdated structure

so they went to the same elementary school together
so whenever i went to the countryside, i used to play there [at that school]
now that it's the countryside, there are no kids so the school is closed down...
but when i go to that elementary school, i can still feel the traces of my mom and dad when they were young
so seeing my parents, i thought maybe someday i'll get married naturally too
but now that i'm already ***32... hehehe

mere minutes ago - in part one, he was 31 friends. time flies. you know? especially when BTS is doing the age maths.

if i get married too early, maybe you guys will be sad..loll
i mean i might not even be able to..
i think out of my friends, like 2 or 3 out of 10 are married and some already have kids...
but these days, more and more ppl are not getting married so if i meet the right person at the right time, maybe i will get married
or maybe i'll just live alone like this
i don't know
i don't think there's a right answer

the vibe these days is that ppl are rushing to get married
and there are a lot of practical realities..
women especially have to think about kids and other issues..and other media/societal pressures
but i'd hope that ppl just live their lives the way they want to
i don't think there's a right answer

i think if you can't stand being alone, will marriage really solve that?
because once you're married, you might want to be alone again.. ppl are complicated like that
so if you can be okay being alone, you'll probably be okay being with someone else too
and vice versa
so if you're lonely being alone and you choose marriage as a way to escape that loneliness, i think that's a bit...

i don't really know about kids either
for me.. i'm already struggling to raise myself
and you can't really control when you have a kid
and thinking about how my parents struggled raising me when i was young
what if a kid like me comes out?...?? ayoooo
oh man..how annoying would [the kid] be.. i mean i suppose [the kid] could be lovable too..
there's no right answer..

RM biases breathe.. lol I know he said that baby RM would've been annoying and we are all reeling but it's okay. we'll all be okay. we're all so grateful for baby RM. he was lovable. he is lovable. oh kim namjoon. what a bingbong.

for the people who are married, they can only speak from the perspective of being married
and for the people who aren't married, they can only speak from the perspective of not being married
so they don't really understand each other
so i think ppl should just take other people's stories with a grain of salt
i think ppl born in the 90s are the first generation to see marriage as an option (as in, previously many families married out of tradition, out of filial duty, out of following social norms, out of perhaps economic necessity, etc but folks born in the 90s feel more empowered to choose to get married if they want)

so i think ppl should just do what they want to do
of course, i'm a dutiful son now
i think i'm the most dutiful son now
but when i was young, i really worried my parents a lot
you'd be surprised if i told you
i'll do an interview with my parents later...HOW much I worried them
so now i try to be good to my parents
like a karmic thing...

i went pretty deep into marriage talk loll
but it's something we can talk about
because in our lives, what else is there to talk about?
hobbies, travel.. there's no right answer to any of that stuff..
but i think it's really important to nourish your body and mind
i think exercise and reading can bring a lot of good things to ppl
i don't think there's anything like "you must do this" or "this is definitely good"
but if there's something that's almost 100% good, it's reading books and exercising
because they don't lie..

yeah the options are endless
it's just life talk
right?
you guys are all getting older too

so getting married doesn't suddenly make loneliness disappear
i don't think so anyway..

hehehe
muscles don't betray you
muscles don't betray you, right?

let's all just age gracefully together
right? right?

and something i want to tell you guys..

two days ago, i went on a tour of the place where we used to live, Nonhyeon-dong
a friend randomly asked me to go eat something and it was near there so...
so i went there at night to eat and then i introduced my friend to the place where we used to live
this is where we stayed as trainees..this is the blue house in Nonhyeon-dong ..and then there's Yujeong Restaurant...
i was going to sneak in to maybe grab something to eat but the owners, who are quite elderly now, weren't there
and there were a lot of fans so i couldn't actually go in to eat BUT

our old practice building turned into a warehouse for like a company that makes lights
i saw that and i also went to the front of the old studio we used to use
and i was like wow, this is where we had conversations, who was here
and the members and i used to hang out here..
and we used to film stuff like Kim Daily here all the time
walk down memory lane?

so i guess ppl live off memories
i'm a full blown ahjusshi now huh
i'm like "when i go to music shows, i'll be treated like a fossil, like an elder"
and then i thought, wow, so much time has passed
Hybe Yongsan 17th floor, it's a huge building, like 19 floors - now it's so grand
but we started from a small office space and worked our way up to here
and we all workekd together SO hard here..

i miss those days but i don't miss them
the convenience store i used to go to and the old supermarket are still there
so when i first went to Big Hit Entertainment in April 2010
i lied to my parents and went to a private audition..
it wasn't really an audition, it was more like an interview
but back then, Big Hit Entertainment was so small that it was hard to find
i asked an employee at the Family Mart (it was Family Mart back then, now it's CU)
where Big Hit Entertainment was but she didn't know either
who would know where Big Hit is, right? that building you all wrote all over..
wait lowkey is it okay to write all over the building like that? is the landlord okay with it?..anyway
so i wandered around that area for like an hour trying to find Big Hit Entertainment

so i thought about that and also remembered..
back then, cockroaches used to come out a lot here
there was only one bathroom so we always used the bathroom in the basement
we all used to eat at the convenience store..
i used to share one lunchbox with the members because we didn't have money.. those were the days

this was the first time back in like 3 years?? since that episode of Run BTS
it felt really strange to be back

oh did the translation not work?

unwittingly poking himself in the cheek
my eyebrows?? i didn't shave my eyebrows
my eyebrows are still here, intact

proof of eyebrows.

so i'm going to become an ahjusshi ..some will become ahjummas -right? that's how it goes

i hate cockroaches
is it possible to like cockroaches?
it's not easy, cockroaches.. it's not easy
oh it's being translated...

there's a time difference so there's latency..

do you miss living with the members?
we already lived together for like 2 months in LA so it was fun
it was fun but i don't play the computer games that the members play so it felt a little lonely at timestamp

AWWWWWW ajkdf;gjaldfjg;lka but also does this mean sugiball is also out there playing video games still? 👀

I mean while we were there.. we filmed a this and that ..so we have planned stuff to show you

yea.. i mean spending all day alone.. reading books solo.. going to cafes solo.. going to exhibitions solo..
now sitting here alone talking to you guys
it feels really nice
it's like friends.. it's like *catching up with old friends after a bit

*수다 떠는 것 (sooda tduhneun gut)= like chatting, catching up, gossiping, etc
간만에 (ganmaneh)= after a while, after a long time, after a bit, etc

this is really nice
it's been like 15 years since I started working..
and i can just turn on the live when I'm feeling a bit lonely
I can just come and chat with you all .. so I like this..
it's really a blessing, really

yea we're not too old
if we're not careful, we might have to live until we're 100 or 120
we're only 30 now
(we've gone from 31 to 32 now 30.. who knows? either way, BTS & ARMY are forever)
so we've only lived a quarter of our lives
so i think it's nice to walk together
it's nice to walk together [through life]
You Never Walk Alone, we released that song too right?

a while ago, i went to Megabox
i've been going to the movies alone these days and on the stairs and stuff
there was BTS Movie Week, so they were showing old concert videos?
posters? clips? stuff like that it made me a bit emotional
i was really young back then...

Life as a celebrity?
I mean i can't really complain, there are so many great parts..
there are a lot of good things but of course there are sacrifices too
there are some things you just have to accept as off-limits..
i've never lived as a regular office worker so i can't really speak to that but
but ultimately, i think it's similar in that there are clear pros and cons, that's how it is
but i'm really thankful that i can just talk to you guys whenever i want
i think this is really good for my mental health too

for the next concert tour, i want it to be like 10 times better than the ones currently being screened (re: BTS Movie Week)
I watched a lot of performances while i was in the military
so i thought a lot while watching those
like "we should do more of this, and we shouldn't do that"
so we talked a lot about performances among the members and had a lot of meetings too

i talk a bit fast, i know..
Koreans are all a bit fast at everything
we develop fast, we talk fast, we type fast
everything is just fast

let's all age together
if there's one thing i really want, i think it's that-
i think it would be a great honor to grow old together with you all

i talk a bit fast huh
i'm ENFP, i can't help it, sorry
you guys type really fast too..so don't you be talking about me
i also want to be really grounded like this timestamp

"Anyonghasaeyo" "Welcome"
If I had to speak like that though.. I likely wouldn't have even turned on this live right?

Now so when we go on tour after 7 years of not touring around the world..
other teams usually have 7 year contracts
but for us it's been six years since we last toured
so it's really something to be able to tour again after 7 years.. we are so so grateful

so sometimes when i can't sleep or when i'm working or
just when life feels a bit scary sometimes
like scary, just living
like every day this life continues, it can feel really scary sometimes...
because you have to put food in your body every day
you have to do something every day
like death or life, the fact that every day is a new morning continuing...
can be really.. sometimes really really good
but in some parts of life, it's like a light depression that keeps weighing you down..
like every day you have to keep doing something
but now how should i say this
ultimately what you need is
some kind of area of your own, faith, hope, goals, something like that..
something like that would be good
so even though i'm really struggling at night now, i'm anxious and stuff
but when i think about the fact that next year, another album is coming out and i'm going to go have fun jumping around in front of you all again, i already feel good
so next year, i think to myself, i have to see this and then die
not that i'm speaking lightly of death, but jokingly
so i think to myself, i have to see you all, even if i'm sick, i have to be sick
i live day by day with that kind of mindset
so i want to work better too...
and pour what i see and feel into our album and it'll inform what I do in the future
i just have to keep believing and just believe day by day

to be honest, when i woke up this morning
a friend of mine said
"oh i'm so thankful for another fun day today" and woke up like that
i tried that
i don't do well with it
but i'm not that thankful...
but it's not like i'm having a super thankful and fun day
the weather is really gloomy
when you look outside, it's really foggy
but just how many people are actually really happy all day every day, having fun every day...
like that's crazy..
that would be amazing..

so i imagine we're all living like this, like me...
like all of you watching this now or like all light modern ppl are living with light depression and anxiety
but then we can just come together like this and comfort each other and unite
so i communicate through music and stuff like this
and you all send me love and you all show love in your jobs too
the proof that you're alive, the sense of accomplishment, stuff like that..

so just enduring and living like this
is actually such a burdensome thing
because these days, it's actually because we're more affluent
there's just too much stuff.
and because of the media, we can easily access so many things
with just a few swipes and clicks, we can access everything
so everything looks so easy
it looks easy but it also looks far away

so rather, a long time ago, our ancestors
in this small village and small place
if there was a happiness index, maybe it would have been higher
but we just keep comparing and feeling a sense of deprivation
i do too, so i don't know how you all think of me
some ppl might see me as a superstar, a world star, and that's true
but sometimes i try to deny that
because that makes me really anxious
then i'm a superstar and a famous person
so i feel like i have to show something really great all the time
i have to be okay all the time

for example, i made a lot of money so
i feel like i have to do that
but it's just not like that

i mean of course - it's good
like when i'm hungry and i go to a restaurant and i can order 2 or 3 dishes that i want to eat
that's really abundant, excessive privilege
but that doesn't explain everything

like if i had worked at a regular company- i would have wanted to work at a company like my dad
[if i did] i might have struggled with economic stuff too
of course now -it's not like that type of struggle
sometimes it's hard because people recognize me too much outside
or that i have this kind of lifestyle.. like i'd like to be able to wake up in the morning and sleep at night but i can't do that freely so it's hard
or i can't live my life the way i want to outside so it's hard
anyway this is all our own shoes...
we don't know until we try on each other's shoes
but anyway one thing for sure is that i still think i'm really lucky and a really fortunate person
so i try not to forget that any time i get sad

whenever i get a bit sad i think "no no, you turned this on and 1 million people listened and sent me lots of hearts"
"they say i'm cool, they say they love me"
how good is it to hear "i love you"
right?
how good is the phrase "i love you"
i really love you all
and there might be better ways for me to express my love
but this is my way of loving and i do this because i want to live well
i want to do well

it's scary to be honest, i'm still scared
i want to put up the front like I'm strong..
like 'I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck.. I don't care.. anything..."
I don't care about anything, what can you do to me.. huh huh HUH?

but I'm not actually like that..
I'm still.. kinda fragile and anxious
I get hurt a lot..
I get hurt and ..I still find it difficult to see ^malicious comments
so I don't want to deny or dismiss those things
just accept that this is the case..
I-I keep wrestling with these things to move forward

악플 (ak peul)=malicious comments, 악성 (aksung)=malicious + 댓글 (daetgeul)=comments

Like 10 years ago, it was the same thing
It was the sameee..
the main difference is that now - I'm more deeply aware that you all exist in real life
I have really come to understand that by now
That's really the main.. only difference [between then and now]

Sure we have done well and have gone on to be able to receive more love
But the key turning point is that we've learned to trust that your love for us is *palpable/real

*this is NOT to say he didn't believe it before or that he qualifies it differently now but over time, he/they have come to understand fans/ARMY 'dependable' beyond 'hype' -as more than likes or stats but have seen real people, in the flesh, show up in ways that help them feel supported, appreciated, protected, respected, and loved. That would make a huge difference in anyone's confidence.

You could be told hundreds of times a day that you are loved - but if you don't SEE how that is true in the ways that you're cared for, in the ways people show up for you, in the ways people defend or encourage you - at the end of the day, virality is virality- likes are likes but that would be heartbreaking.

I'm so happy to be part of a fandom that is comprised of such incredible individuals that show up for not only this group - but AS A RESULT of being inspired/motivated/challenged/encouraged by this group and their songs and their love for each other - have shown up in their industries, shown up in their families, shown up in their communities with presence, resources, and action.

but there are moments when that gets blurry sometimes
like "do you all really exist? has everyone left now?"
saying "everyone has left" is a bit much but.. but like "are there really people who love me?"
whenever i have those thoughts, i think i seek reassurance too
i seek reassurance so in this relationship
it's like this, right?
an unspecified number of people?
should i say an unspecified number of people? or a specified number of people? anyway

i turn on lives when i want some reassurance
sometimes i turn it on when i feel like i want to cry
...i mean that's just how it's been.. since i'm alone

and like it's been such a long time since we've done a concert
like to see THOUSANDS of people cheering for you
i mean you've seen the footage in videos right?
as you descend from the stage..
that *drop is SO huge - that gap right?

낙차 (nak cha)= drop, gap, difference in height but here he's also speaking figuratively of the emotional state of being on stage with crowds screaming for you and then realizing that show/moment is over

so .."let's mitigate the blow of that" right?
so I read.. workout.. do lives with you all and things

your love is always enough
your love, your love has always been more than enough from the very beginning
what's lacking is me
what's lacking is me..

it's like this
i depend on you all
and you all depend on me too, right?
isn't that our situation? we depend on each other

so let's do well together from now on too
i mean.. i don't know how to do well but yea
yea
we're all - alone .. like we're apart but we're not alone

anyway, it's about time
i think i'll wrap up what i was doing
i always think when i turn on this live
that ppl all over the world are watching
so i worry a lot that maybe i'm waking ppl up in the middle of the night
but since we all live in different time zones...
if i woke you up in the middle of the night, i'm really sorry
but if try to mind that [everyone's sleep schedules], then there'd literally be no time I could turn on lives so please understand

anyway, i hope you understand that this is one of my ways of showing love
i always think of you all, always
no matter what i'm looking at or doing
you all are always here, in this air, so
no matter what i do in the future
i want to say that won't change
first of all, i'll try to make good music
because that will give weight to my words too
for good music and a happy tour
i will do my best
everyone...
i will try to make something that can comfort you all
something that can give you strength and energy
please give me lots of strength and love too
okay?

You are also beloved
don't forget that you all are loved too
i'll go now everyone
sorry for turning it on and off as i please
but [actually] i thought about it a lot before I turned it on, you know?

I love you
i'll definitely go there next year
I'll see you in your place, okay?
Bye