RM Weverse Post - 1/16

Original Korean in black.
Translation in purple.
My commentary in green.

제게 ‘사랑’은 여전히 복잡한 말입니다.
I've always thought 'love' was a complicated word.
제가 단 한 번이라도 누군가를 제대로 사랑한 적이 있었을까요.
I wonder - have I ever loved someone properly, even just once?
그 질문을 오래 붙잡고 있었지만 확실해지는 것은 하나뿐이더라구요.
I grappled with that question for a long time - and only one thing has become certain:
나는 아직도 잘 모른다는 사실.
I still don't really know.

지난 한 해 많은 것에 갇혀 있었어요.
This past year, I felt trapped in many things.
있다가도 사라지고,
Things here one moment... that disappear
*오다가도 떠나가는 것이 얼마나 많은지
Things that came close then pulled away
*오다 (ohda) = to come
–다가도 (dagado)= even while in the middle of doing [something]/ even after starting [something]
–다가도 does NOT require completion, it explicitly allows interruption
So grammatically, 오다가도 떠나가다 means: to be on the way toward coming, and then leaving
Interpretations can include like (1) coming/approaching without fully arriving/turning back mid-approach or (2) withdrawing after 'arriving' (without staying)

그 사이에서 숱하게 흔들리고, *괴로워하며 많은 실수들을 지나왔습니다.
And in between, I was shaken again and again, making many mistakes while *distressed

*괴로워 (gweruhwo) = distress
But I want ARMY to read this correctly tempered - while this word can include many types of distress, in THIS context, this is the kind of distress/consequent pain and 'suffering' that has to do with emotional strain, lingering mental burden, inner conflict, feeling worn down or overwhelmed in doses that go hand in hand with ANYONE living life -it is not some dramatic worrisome situation - it is just stating what, I imagine, EVERY thoughtful person is experiencing.

그 시간을 거쳐 이제 겨우 봄을 바라보고 서 있는 기분.
After going through that time, I feel like I'm finally standing here, looking toward spring.
이 *기다림이 마지막은 아니겠지만, 그래도 멈추지 않고 여기까지 왔어요.
This is probably not the last time I'll have to *wait like this.. but still, I've come this far without stopping.
*기다림 (gidarim) = waiting/expectation/anticipation

*다행이죠.
*다행이죠. (dahaengijyo) = it's a relief/it's fortunate/thankfully - it kinda means all these things at once but it's used in situations where [in ENG] you might reply "that's a relief/thank goodness"

저는 생각이 참 많고,
I have so many thoughts,
(no forreal?? you don't say -____-" of course we know- our favorite overthinker probably)
매번 성장했다고 앞으로도 믿어보려 하겠지만 또다시 실패하고 실수할 거에요.
I'll always try to believe that I've grown, but I'll fail and make mistakes again.
그 과정에서 누군가를 서운케 하고 스스로에게 상처를 입히기도 하겠죠?
And in that process, I may disappoint someone or even end up hurting myself, right?
*NOT PHYSICAL HARM! He just means in general like 'as I grow' I may wind up disappointing/letting down (thereby hurting) himself or others in the pursuit of growth.
All to say - I know ARMY is always so protective of our 7 bingbongs and especially our koala bb leader 🥰 - but this is not an instance where you need to feel alarm. I imagine any wise person, ever, talking about what it takes to grow includes the necessary element of growing pains as ignorance melts away, new connections and muscles are formed - it stretches you - and that process can hurt in many complicated ways, right? That's all this means.
다만 이제는 알 것 같아요.
But now I think I understand one thing...
잘 해보려 했다는 말이 모든 답이 돼주진 않는다는 걸.
That saying "I tried my best" doesn't become the answer to everything...

This resonates SO hard. I had this deeeep realization in 2019 but from the other side - and I'll be talking more about it in later things I'm working on but .. dang this hits SO hard. Basically, I earnestly believed EVERYONE was trying their best all the time... but more on this at a future time.

오랜만의 복귀가 무척 설레면서도 마음은 겸허합니다.
While I'm so excited to be returning after a long time, my heart is humble.
말을 숨을 고르고 골라도 아직도 거칠고 서툴고, 또 말이 많아지는 이유를 잘 모르겠습니다.
Even after taking my time/pausing to breathe and choosing my words carefully, they still feel rough and clumsy - and I don't really know why I end up talking so much.
그래도 숨지 않고 말해보려 해요.
Still, I'm going to try to speak without hiding/holding back.

여전히
As always,
좋은 음악이 만들어지면 심장이 뛰고, 멤버들과 장난치다 보면 아이처럼 웃게 됩니다.
My heart leaps when making good music and when I'm messing around/joking with my members, I wind up cracking up like when we were kids
그리고 밤의 숲처럼 빛날 관객석의 아미밤들을 생각하면 눈물이 날 것 같은 기분이 되어요.
And at night, when I think of the forest of lights of ARMY bombs in the audience, I feel like I'm going to cry.
이 에너지와 *마음이 저를, 그리고 우리를 여기까지 데려왔다고 믿으니까요.
I believe this energy and this *heart (see below) is what brought me, brought us to this point.

*마음(maeum) = depending on context, it can mean heart (not physical organ), mindset, emotions/feelings, intentions, sincerity, sometimes even attitude - or all of the above

*심장 (shimjang) = physical organ "heart"

누군가는 지켜보고
Some will watch over us
누군가는 떠나고
Some will leave
누군가는 걱정하고, *아쉬워하고, 비난하기도 하겠죠?
Some will worry, feel *disappointed(see below), and even criticize us, right?

*아쉬워 (ahshiwuh) = this sentiment, at it's core, often too quickly translated as "regret" or "disappointment" carries a more specific nuance - it's specifically the feeling (which can INCLUDE regret, disappointment, frustration, a bit of this and a bit of that) that comes from missing the mark just so like coming real close to what you were aiming or hoping for but not quite hitting it the way you'd wanted.

To call that "regret" is too clunky and dramatic. It's more delicate than that. This can be used to describe MANY things. For example, if I was cooking a dish for you, that I know I can NAIL, but in fact it comes out a LITTLE subpar than what I know I'm capable of - I can say.. UGH ASHIPDAH. like this isn't what I was hoping to serve youuu.. or if you order something and the food comes out but after finishing the meal you're still left just A LITTLE BIT STILL HUNGRY.. like AHHH AHSHIPDAH!

You'll hear not just BTS, but a lot of K-idols, say this when they're monitoring their performance in 'review' mode if they felt like dang it.. I didn't 'quite' hit it the way I knew I could bleghhh

I know that for creatives, this is tricky. You're pouring yourself into something you created from NOTHING (good artists anyway) and presenting it to onlookers like 'here's my thing 🥺 ...' and then you open yourself up for everything from high praise to destructionnnn - a privileged but unique vulnerability with great potential for chaos

그럼에도 어떤 형태로든
Nevertheless, in one way or another,
저희를 기다려주는 마음이 있다면
if there is a heart/mindset (MAEUM, see above) that is waiting for us...
그게 당신의 사랑이라면
if that's an expression of your love...
저는 몇 번이라도 다시 일어서고 싶습니다.
I want to get back up again, no matter how many times it takes.
*비틀비틀 하더라도!
Even if I'm *tripping over myself!

*비틀비틀 (beeteulbeeteul) = as you know, Koreans love 'mimetic' words and this describes a wobbly, unsteady movement - literally, it's closerto 'even if i'm wobblybobbly' loll or something like that; could be used to describe "wobbly" situations (not just walking)

한 사람이 세계를 사랑해보려는 *방식.
One person's *way of trying to love the world.
*방식 (bangsik) = method/way/style
살아보려는 방식.
way of trying to live..
우리 모두가 하나의 우주라면
If each of us is a universe
그게 그 우주의 전부일지도 모르겠어요.
that might be the entirety/whole of that universe.

This may be a confusing thought to parse - but he's saying the first 2 lines (way of loving/living) may be what comprises the universe that is/contained in each of us

그런 마음으로 기다리고 기다립니다.
With that heart/mindset, I wait and I wait.
새해 인사가 늦었습니다.
My New Year's greeting is late.
저 말이죠 이제 더 나아가 보려구요.
As for me, I'm going to try to go alittle further now.
해가 떠오르는 곳, 봄이 들리는 곳-
Where the sun rises, where spring can be felt
그리고 마침내 당신이 계신 곳으로!
and finally to where you are

최근 마음에 오래 남은 릴케의 문장으로 엉망인 글을 마칩니다.
I'll wrap up my messy/chaotic rambling with a line from Rilke that has my heart as of late
사랑은 여전히 복잡하지만, 그럼에도 저는 단순한 마음으로 말하고 싶어요.
Even though love is complicated as ever/as always/still, I want to say this with a simple heart:

사랑한다 고
!
I love you!

"Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final."
("Go to the Limits of Your Longing" - Rainer Maria Rilke)

...to wake up to poetry is just soul-calibratingly lovely

🥔fun fact - though I was born and raised in the states, English was not my first language because my parents are Korean immigrants. But goodness, once I got the hang of the basics of language.. I fell in LOVE with poetry and learning new vocabulary...and having done 'visual art' my whole life - it felt like each new word and recipe for expression (re: poetry) felt like finding a new hue or a new brush to create with ...lovelovelove